Whoops, It’s Tuesday!


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[Image: Sage, a white non-binary person in a blue-and-pink wig with bangs, presses their lips together and makes a face at the camera, tilting their head to the left. They are wearing a sleeveless shirt with a green-and-pink flower pattern. There is a paint-splattered painting, part of a wooden cabinet, and a purple wall behind them].
I completely blanked on the Monday post this week. I spent the weekend with my friend in York and ended up taking a mental health day Monday because of a panic attack in the morning. I have a video coming out on the NFi Collab Channel this Thursday which goes into more detail about that.

I’m so close to being finished with this round of courses, my friends! Unfortunately, however, at this point I’m having a lot of trouble focusing. The closer I get to being done, the less I feel inclined to put in the time.

I made the decision last week to focus on putting out a video every Thursday rather than have a more random schedule where I make videos every 3-4 days. It’s not that I want to be making fewer videos, it’s just that I’m more interested in making high-quality content without getting overwhelmed. Apparently, without a schedule, instead of never making videos, I make TOO MANY videos. I get ahead of myself and feel pressured into starting another video the moment I’ve finished working on one. I worry that this results in making more, lower quality content as I spend less time researching, writing, filming, and editing if I feel the pressure to have it all done in a few days.

There must be a happy medium!

So, at this point, I’m focusing on putting out one video every Thursday. That doesn’t mean there will not be extras, however, as this week I’m making a video for my own channel as well as another for NFi. It’s just to keep me on a more reasonable track.

In case you were wondering, yes, I am playing Pokemon Go. I am almost level 9 now. I hatched a Pikachu today.

I’m not working on my book as much as I’d like to be. It keeps falling to the bottom of my list of priorities, to the end of the day when I’m too tired. There are just so many other things! I’m also not too sure about the direction I’m going in with it. Books are hard, friends. Books are hard.

I just started writing a report on the history of my reading practices. It’s actually quite fun and interesting, given that it’s a school project. I want to share some of it here, but I’ll have to wait until it’s been graded and handed back so my tutor doesn’t think it’s been plagiarized. You’ve got to watch out for that kind of thing.

Filmed a video where I read from the journal I kept while backpacking through Europe yesterday. I have OVER AN HOUR of footage where I just read the entries from England. It may be a series. It was interesting to go back in time five years to that trip, as this is my first read-over. I think I tend to romanticize it, as we do with the past and with traveling, but reading the journal reminded me that not all was sunshine and roses. I struggled with a number of things, from growing up to stressing over booking trains to not feeling confident in social situations. I even wrote that I was hoping the trip would completely change me as a person, making me more confident and bold! Poor baby Sage…

In terms of the topic of friendship, I realized recently that it’s really important for friendships to unfold naturally. Also, that I can be happy with just a small handful of friends. I’ve been trying to make certain friendships happen within the past few years that just have not. And I’ve been really easily, naturally finding friendships through my YouTube pursuits. So, I’m learning, though it is important put in an effort, you also just have to let friends happen and not try to make anything into what it’s not. Having something to bond over helps too.

Okay, so this blog post was all over the place. I suppose this is a pretty good representative of where my brain is at this week. These are the things!

Have a wonderful week, catch ’em all, and I will see you all again very soon.

P.S. My wig came in the mail and it is everything I’ve ever wanted.


Sometimes I Regret Going to University


[Image: Part of a modern, open library. Bookshelves to the left. Computers and desks to the right. Floors, walls, and ceilings are all white]. Source: morguefile.com.

I understand that a post-secondary education is a privilege. I know that I have learned and grown through mine in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. However, I don’t like the way university is pushed on young kids as the only real option for their futures. I don’t like that you’re allowed to get in all kinds of debt before you really understand what that means. I also just get into a funk about it sometimes, as I’ve done over four years already and am still trying to finish. This is a product of that.

I’m 23-years-old and I’m done with the whole academic thing.

I think we spend too much time in school. Sure, it’s important to get an education, but I’m not always sure that school gives you one. It… depends.

I’m 23-years-old and I’m done with being a student, thanks. I’ll take my degree, please.

Only, I can’t. After this round of courses, I’ll still have another semester to go.

Most people don’t finish their degrees in four years. Some, like myself, take four-and-a-half. Some take five. Some take more. Either way, it’s a long time, especially given the fact that most of us have been in school since the age of six.

If I’m being honest, I wish I’d gone to college. Two years, in and out. A practical diploma. Career prospects. Maybe it’s because I haven’t graduated yet and the impending monthly loan payments are scaring me.

Maybe it’ll all be fine. Maybe it’s good that I went to university. Right now, though, I kind of regret it. When all of this began, I was a pretty young thing who didn’t quite know what they were getting themselves into.

I took a year off. Maybe I should have taken more.

Too late now. This is what it is. This is my life and I have to live it. I have to deal with where I am now. Still finishing my degree. Still finishing it…

I used to be excited about school. It was a passion. When asked to describe myself, “student” was near the top of the list.

It’s different now. I’m different now. But I’m still living the life a much younger me wanted.

I saw my minimum monthly payment a couple weeks ago. After graduating, I’ll have six months to secure stability and start paying it. I cried. Hard.

I know it’s not impossible, that people do it, but at this point, it doesn’t seem manageable. At this point, I don’t have a job, an apartment, an income, a budget. At this point, I live with my mother and I write a lot of essays.

It will likely be fine. I’ll probably find ways to make it work. But I wish someone had told me, even once, that there were other reasonable options besides university, because no one did. I wish I had known. I don’t know if that would have changed my 18-year-old mind, but at least I would have been aware of what I was getting myself into.

Because really, I didn’t.

But here I am.

I suppose I may need a few years of perspective to really understand the true value of this degree. Maybe I’ll decide it was worth it. Maybe I won’t. We’ll see.

We’ll see.

Driven and Tired, Passionate and Exhausted (Poem)


Dandelion growing out of dry, cracked dirt. Source.


Trying to figure out the good life
is giving me messy hair.

Hours, days, months spent on something
which may come to naught.

I’m being consumed by my passion.

I can’t tell if that’s good or bad.

Is my luck really going to change on July 17th?
Is that the day to watch out for?
If so, that’s very soon and I don’t quite
know what to do.

I feel tired.

I may be in need of a break,
to find a pin that will reach
the reset button.

I feel driven sometimes,
and clouded by clutter others.

Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?

I’m on a path,
but to where and
at what cost?

Who is the being that I am becoming?

Shaping, reforming.
Passionate, driven, anxious, exhausted.

What kind of break am I looking for?

Long walks help to clear a cloudy mind.
The only thing which counteracts the clutter I put there.

Unfortunately, I am an artist.
These struggles will always be constant.
How I react may, however, be the thing to change.

My Future on YouTube


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Screenshot of the top part of Sage’s YouTube channel, Herb Dino.


I launched my Patreon page yesterday. I was very nervous. For some reason, I thought that my asking for support might make people upset or angry. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m painfully aware of the general cultural attitude that we have towards artists, the attitude that says they should not be compensated for their work, and the attitude towards YouTubers, that says they should not earn anything from YouTube because it’s just a hobby and not a job.

But for me, it is a job. I approach it like one. It’s a fun and fulfilling job, that’s for certain, but I pour enough of my time, energy, and love into it that I do consider it to be a job. Actually, it’s sort of more than a job…

I’ve had ideas for other careers before but none have ever stood the test of time. I’ve thought, “I could do this or do that” but never really gotten too excited about it, never really felt like it was exactly right for me. I’ve considered being a forest ranger, freelance writer, actor, published author, librarian, copy editor, and professor. I’d think about each of these things for awhile and then move on to something else, never quite landing on what I wanted to do.

And then I found Kat Blaque.

Kat Blaque is a YouTuber who makes videos on a range of topics from feminism to institutionalized racism to lgbt+ issues. She also creates content for Everyday Feminism, the Huffington Post, and Pride.com. What’s incredible is that, after years of hard work and dedication, she is self-sufficient. Blaque is able to make a living off of her creative and socially conscious work. As I watched her videos, joined some of the live streams on her Facebook page, perused around her store, and went over to her Patreon page, I took in a lot of new information, and not just about social justice issues, but about how to support yourself while pursuing what you’re passionate about.

I remember thinking, almost immediately, “This is what I want to do”. I had no idea where to start or how to make it happen, but I knew that I had found it. This was the thing. I could tell that this was the kind of work that would make me feel creatively and intellectually fulfilled.

I got my brother to help me set up a YouTube channel. I started making videos. Save for some of his advice, I had almost no idea what I was doing. Now, six months later, I have (maybe) half an idea. I’m not “there” yet (what counts as there?), but I’ve learned so much and had a lot of fun doing it. My world has expanded. I’ve met and talked to tons of amazing people. I’ve discovered a new outlet for my creativity. I’ve been inspired by a bunch of fascinating content. I’ve started picking up some of the building blocks on how all of this works.

My channel is still quite small, but six months ago I didn’t even have a channel so that in itself is something. I’m not done here. I’m not slowing down. I feel like I’ve only just gotten started, that this is just the beginning of my creative/career-related/YouTube/online journey.

When I first started my channel, I wasn’t in a great place. I was in a lot of pain and there were a lot of things happening to me that I couldn’t control. I’m in a better place now and things are consistently getting better, but having this outlet really helped me through some of that hard stuff. There were points where YouTube was the only thing I enjoyed spending my time on, the only thing that was making me feel happy or even just okay. And now that things are better, YouTube feels like an old friend that got me through some really tough stuff. Now this friend and I are going to soar together. We are going to pursue our wildest dreams, not because they’re realistic or practical or anything, but because WE CAN.

“I can” is something YouTube has taught me. “I can” and “I deserve”. No longer do I feel like the least talented person in my friend group, the writer who “isn’t any good” at writing, the desperate and repressed creative with little artistic skill, the one who will always be frustrated, or the one who will never be good enough. I still have my doubts sometimes, but I’m on track. I have found my path and sometimes I feel damn proud of what I do. I feel confident in ways I never did before. I think that’s because, until recently, I had never really found “my thing”.

Here it is. This is my thing. I don’t know what it will turn into, but I’m going to hold onto it and keep on going for the ride of my life.

Honestly, I didn’t think anyone would support me on Patreon at this point. I put my video out there worried I may lose subscribers and thinking it would say $0 per month for a very long time. Within 24 hours of my posting it, however, two people pledged.

$4 may not be a lot of money, but it counts. It is something. It counts because it shows me that other people believe in my too. It counts because it shows me that I was not wrong to ask for help. It counts because it raises my YouTube-based income from almost nothing to $4, and that is growth. However small it may be, it is growth and all growth counts.

I want to thank the two of you who chose to become my patrons. It means a lot. It has reaffirmed for me that this is the right path and that it’s not all just some idealistic, unattainable dream.

I also want to thank everyone who’s ever watched, liked, or commented on my videos or the other things I’ve put out online. As a small creator especially, all of that feedback and support really counts. I’ve had comments before that have put a small on my face for a whole day. I’ve had comments that have sent home the “Yes! That’s why I’m doing this” message.

I cannot predict the future. I cannot see where all of this is going to lead exactly, but it’s going to lead somewhere. That much I am sure of.

Thank-you for believing in me.